ATTACK OF THE WIERD STORY!
by Student With A Grimdark
Summary: Based off Carlie the Unicorn. Ruffnut and Tuffnut take Hiccup, Astrid, and Toothless on an amazing journey through time and space!STUPID...BUT FUNNY!


**INSPIRED BY "CHARLIE THE UNICORN"**

Hiccup, Astrid, and Toothless lay in the grass...looking at the stars.  
Then, Tuffnut and Ruffnut showed up.  
Ruffnut: "Hey, guys!  
Tuffnut: "Yeah!"  
Astrid: "Odin's beard, you guys? This better by important."  
Hiccup: "Is the village on fire?"  
Ruffnut: "Nope."  
Hiccup: "Are the Terrible Terrors raping Gobber again?"  
Ruffnut: "Nope."  
Hiccup: "Did dad find _your _weed that you kept in _my _dresser?"  
Ruffnut: "Yes, but that's not why we're here. We found a map!"  
Tuffnut: "To Candy Mountain!"  
Hiccup: "Really? That's what you came here for?"  
Tuffnut: "We have to hurry! Or else James Cameron will make an _Avatar _sequel!"  
Hiccup: "First of all, we don't no who or what the hell that is. Second of all, no freaking way."  
Tuffnut: "We have to hurry! Here, grab my cock!"  
Tuffnut's private shot out and into Toothless' mouth, who was yawning.  
So, he bit it off.  
Tuffnut: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

After 24 staples and 9 straight hours of painful wailing, they set off for this Candy Moutain.  
Ruff and Tuff: "!"  
Astrid: "Will you please stop doing that!"  
Ruff: "Our first stop is over there! See!"  
Toothless gaped widest of all when they saw it.  
The Green Death.  
Snoring.  
Hiccup: "WHAT THE HELL?"  
Ruff: "It's the Green Death."  
Tuff: "The magical Green Death!"  
Ruff: "It'll guide us to Candy Mountain!"  
Astrid: "Well, my I'll guide my boot up both your asses if you don't tell us either why the Green Death is still alive, or just show us Candy Mountain."  
Ruff: "SHUN THE NON-BELIVERS!"  
Tuff: "SHHHHUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!"  
Astrid: "Yeah."  
Green Death: "PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON, LIVED BY THE SEA!"  
Hiccup: "HOLY SHIT! IT'S ALIVE!"  
Tuff: "THE GREEN DEATH IS ALL, IT'S EVERYTHING! THE GREEN DEATH CAN SEE INTO YOUR MIND!"  
Ruff: "THE GREEN DEATH CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL!"  
Toothless: *WHIMPER*  
Astrid: "Really? It can do all that?"  
Tuff: "No!"  
Ruff: "Course not!"  
Tuff: "Freakin' idiot!"

Tuff: "It's just over this bridge guys! There's enough room for everybody!"  
Even though the bridge is just a very long peice of 2X4.  
Hiccup: "I don't know guys. This dosn't look safe."  
Astrid: "Why don't we ride Toothless to-"  
Tuff: "SHUN!"  
Ruff: "FLYING IS AGAINST THE WILL OF THE CANDY MOUNTAIN KING!"  
Astrid: "Okay, jeez."  
Ruff: "Astrid, Astrid, Astrid, Astrid, Astrid!"  
Astrid: "WHAT?"  
Ruff: "We're on a bridge, Astrid!"  
Toothless: *ROAR!*  
Hiccup: "Termites? HOLY SHI-AHHHHHHHHH!"  
An army of termites were chewing up the bridge at 32 m.p.h., and Hiccup fell 10 stories down the canyon. But Toothless flew down just in time and saved him before he hit the sharp rocks.  
Astrid, Tuffnut, and Ruffnut ran onto land before the termites ate the part they were on.  
Toothless and Hiccup landed next to them.  
Ruff: "Astrid, Astrid, Astrid, Astrid, Astrid."  
Astrid: "WHAT NOW?"  
Ruff: "We've got to cross another 2X4 bridge!"  
Astrid: "Damnit!"

After 3 more 2X4 bridges...  
Hiccup: "I'm starting to feel wierd."  
Suddenly, a blue and silver swirling vortex erupted from Hiccups pelvis.  
Tuff: "THE VORTEX HAS OPENED!"  
Ruff: "HOORAY!"  
Toothless, Astrid, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut were sucked into the vortex. Then it closed.  
Hiccup: "Guys? Girls?"  
Suddenly, it opened again. They all came out. And Tuffnut had an amulet around his neck. And the vortex closed.  
Tuff: "I've got the Heart of Dombala!"  
Ruff: "Hooray!"  
Tuff: "We must get the Heart of Dombala to the Bunny King at Candy Mountain!"  
Hiccup: "NO! I'M GOING HOME, BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING TOO WIERD!"  
Tuff: "But if you don't, the vortex will unleash a thousand years of darkness.  
The vortex opened again, and this time about 20 tentecles came out.  
Hiccup: "Oh shit! Fine, I'll come!"  
Ruff: "Hooray!"  
Tuff: "Pornos!"

About a mile and 2/8ths later...  
Astrid: "Oh, will you look at that."  
There was a giant **Q **in front of them.  
Ruff and Tuff: "Q!"  
Ruff: "Everybody dance now!"  
The **Q **flashed and beeped to the rythm of _Crazy Frog.  
_**Q**: *BEEP, BEEP, BEEP-BE-BE-BEEP BEEP, BEEP BE-BE-BE-BE-BEEP BEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP, DUM, DU-DU-DUM DUM*  
Ruff: "This is the CRAZY FROG!"  
The **Q **then exploded.  
Hiccup, Astrid, and Toothless gaped at the sparks and fireworks now shooting and hopping through the air.  
Hiccup: "Just keep walking guys and girl."

2 miles later...  
Mysterious Voice: "_Toothless...Toothless...Toothless...Toothless...Toothless!"  
_Hiccup's Pelvis Vortex opened again, and this time...Stioc came out, his arm and half his face robot parts.  
Stioc: "I'm from the future Toothless! You are destened to become a great man...dragon. The world is in peril, and you must fix it by helping me build a snowman made of dragon sperm and mud!"  
Toothless blasted him a mile away with his fireballs.  
Stioc: "You can find Candy Mountain!"  
Tuff: "Okay, we'll go!"  
Hiccup and Atsrid: "WHAT?"  
The Pelvis Vortex enveloped them all and thrust them into the future! Which looked exactly the same.  
Hiccup: "This looks exactly the same!"  
Me: "Yep."  
Hiccup: "Who said that?"  
Me: "GET BACK TOO YOUR STORY!"

Stioc: "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You'll wake the Umu!"  
Astrid: "The what?"  
Stioc: "We have to get to the river! And we have to be sneaky!"  
Stioc, Tuff, and Ruff levitated and started flailing their limbs like rubber.  
Stioc: "Sneaky!"  
Ruff: "Sneaky!"  
Tuff: "Pornography!"  
Hiccup: "We can't do that with our limbs."  
Stioc: "Oh-no! The Umu has awoken! Quick, grab my dick and we shall fly to the river!"  
Hiccup: "WHAT-MUMPH!"  
Stioc's penis shot out and into Hiccup's mouth.  
Astrid: "That is disgusting!"

One very long flight later...  
Hiccup was still getting pubic hairs from Stioc's penis out of his mouth.  
And their transportation vehicle came into sight...a giant penis.  
Hiccup: "OH, COME ON!"  
Stioc: "Oh-no! The Chipmunks have awoken! Quick, get in!"  
The two sane teens and the sane dragon turned around...and saw nude Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.  
Alvin jumped at Hiccup, who screamed.  
Hiccup: "ALVIN!"  
Alvin hit him in the testicles.  
Alvin: "PHYCO CHIMPMUNKS LOVE NUTS! *CHOMP* "MMM! SALTY!"  
Toothless was finally able to rip Alvin off and burn the Chipmunks, who were not the real ones, but Infected with Rabies and doing Crystal Meth and Cocaine Future Chipmunks from another diminsion.

After boarding the Penis Boat...  
Astrid: "Shit! We're sinking!"  
But instead of drowning, they entered a Magical realm of dolphins and unicorns and ponies.  
Hiccup: "Hey look over there! It's Robot Unicorn Attack! Awww, the Robot Unicorn died."  
Stioc: "Alright, here's the deal. Hiccup, go to Candy Mountain. Astrid, go to the Bunny King. Toothless, come with me."

**HICCUP'S SONG: CANDY MOUNTAIN.  
**Tuffnut and Hiccup came too the Candy Mountain...which had a cave.  
Tuff: "Go into the Candy Mountain Cave, Hiccup."  
Hiccup: "Nope! No way!"  
Tuff: "But you have to!"  
Music starts.  
Words made of Licorice lined up to spell the word CANDY.  
The Y started singing...  
Y: "Oh, when you're looking down and need some cheering up, head right on up too the Candy Mountain Cave. When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheering nice, a happy and perky and joyful merry lad.  
They've got Lollypops and Gummiedrops and candied things, oh so many things that will lighten up your day. It's impossible to ware a frown in Candy Town, it's the mecha of love in the Candy Cave!  
They've got Jellybeans and Coconuts and Little Hats, Candy Rats, Chocolate Bats, it's a wonderland of sweets. So take the train, come on down too Candy Town!  
See bells, hear beats, turn around, look around at the Dancing Candy Tree.  
Here your imagination runs so free, so Hiccup will you please go into the cave!"  
KA-BOOM!  
The letters exploded.  
Hiccup: "Fine."  
Tuff: "Yay! Pornography!"  
Hiccup entered. Something blocked the cave entrance. There was no light. There were footsteps.  
Hiccup felt a club hit the side of his head.  
He woke up, in a winter wonderland.

**ASTRID'S SONG: SHOVE A BUNNY UP YOUR *BLEEP*  
**Ruff: "We're here Astrid! The TEMPLE OF THE BUNNY KING!"  
A gleaming golden pyrimid with shiny sparkles and kittens lay in front of them.  
Astrid: "Great, leave the Amulet and let's go home."  
Suddenly, Edward Cullen and 50 bunnies came out of the underwater grass.  
Astrid: "Um?"  
Edward Cullen slowly started to levitate into the air.  
Edward: "Astrid, you look quite down, with your big sad eyes and your big fat frown.  
The world dosen't have to be so gayyyy!  
Astrid, when your life's a mess, when your feeln' blue or is in distress.  
I know what can wash that sad away.  
All you have to do is: SHOVE A BUNNY UP YOUR *BLEEP*"  
Astrid: "A bunny up my *bleep*?"  
Edward: "Shove a horny bunny up into your favorite *bleep*!  
It's true!"  
Astrid: "Says who?"  
Edward: "So true. Once it's in, your gloom will dissapear.  
The bad in the world is hard too hear when in your *bleep* a bunny cheers.  
So go and put a bunny in your *bleep*!  
All the bunnies, Edward, and Ruff: "PUT A BUNNY UP YOUR *BLEEP*!"  
Astrid: "I'd rather keep my *bleep* clear!"  
Bunnies, Edward, Ruff: "You'll never be happy if you live your life in fear!  
It's true!"  
Astrid: "Says you!"  
Bunnies and Edward: "IF YOU DON'T PUT A MOTHER-*BLEEPING* BUNNY UP YOUR *BLEEP* THEN WE'LL ALL *BLEEP* YOUR *BLEEP* TILL IT CAN *BLEEP* NO MORE!"  
Bunnies, Edward, and the pyramid all explode.  
Astrid: "Okay...that was wierd."  
Ruff: "SHOVE A BUNNY UP YOUR *BLEEP*!"  
[NUCLEAR EXPLOSION]

**TOOTHLESS' SONG: EVERYBODY WANT'S TOO *BLEEP* YOU!  
**Stiock: "Alright, ya nigg-OMG IT'S A WHALE! Alright, ya nig-OMG IT'S A NARWHAL! Alright-OMG-"  
Toothless: "STOP IT! Wait...I can talk? Cool! Anyway, I DON'T CARE ABOUT EVERY SEA-CREATURE YOU SEE! IF YOU WANNA GO *BLEEP* THEM, I DON'T CARE!"  
Stiock: "But Toothless, they DO wanna *bleep* you!"  
A light appeared above Toothless, and he started too levitate.  
Toothless: "NO! NOT ME! AHHHHH!"  
A Narwhale with a Goats head swam towards Toothless.

Goatwhale: "SWORDFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU! JELLYFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU! STARFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!  
CAUSE CATFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU! CARPFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU! BLOWFISHES WANNA *BLEEP* YOU IN THE OCEAN BLUE!"

Homicidal Sex-Rapist Shrimp: "LUNGFISH, BLACKFISH, ALLIGATOR, ASSFISH! ARMORHEAD,HAMMERHEAD, ANACONDA, FATHEAD!  
MANTA RAY! STING RAY! FANGTOOTH MORAY! GOBLIN SHARK! GRASS CARP! ROUND RIVER BAT RAY! NOODLE FISH! HAG FISH! MAN O' WAR! LADY FISH!  
BLACK EEL! BABY SEAL! SPRAT! KOI! ELECTRIC EEL!  
LAMPREY! PEJERAY! YELLOW-EDGED MORAY!  
SALMON SHARK! SLEEPER SHARK! FEATHERBACK! EAGLE RAY!  
THEY ALL WANNA *BLEEP* YOU!"

Goatwhale: "57398240573475-13574310853486381094-ejrqgen vk nbunrvoemr v[k2h58 f398ghg g   
!"  
Toothless: "This is getting out of hand!"  
Toothless suddenly became witness too the Goatwhale and all the sea-creatures that want to *BLEEP* him exploded.  
Then he saw the snowman.  
Toothless: Stiock, I found the snowman made of Dragon Sperm and Mud! AHHHHH! IT'S LEAKING! SOME OF IT WENT UP MY NOSE!"  
The entire planet suddenly went up in a flash of white.

_**THE ENDING!  
**_Astrid, Hiccup, and Toothless woke up in Berk. It was normal, except everyone wasn't there.  
Hiccup's Pelvis Portal opened a 4th time.  
Hiccup: "Again?"  
Ruffnut, Tuffnut, and Stiock appeared.  
Ruff: "The Portal too Real Life has opened! It links our FanFiction/How To Train Your Dragon Dimension into the mind of Cloverfield 2 and the REAL WORLD!"  
Tuff: "We'll all be in 3-D soon!"  
Tuff levitated and started too change between 1-D, 2-D, 3-D, and 4-D.  
Hiccup: "Oh crap! If our FanFiction/How To Train Your Dragon dimension crosses over into the Real World: Fat people will rape beatles in slow motion, spiders will mate with ants, ROBERT E. LEE WILL MAKE A COMEBACK!"  
The sky turned dark, and it rained and thunderclapped.  
Astrid: "Crud, it's raining shit!"  
Tuff: "IT HAS BEGUN!"  
From Hiccup's Pelvis Portal, Robert E. Lee popped out.  
Toothless: "AHHH! IT'S ROBERT E. LEE! RUN!"  
Astrid and Hiccup: "YOU CAN TALK NOW?"  
Toothless: "Long story! RUN!"

They flew through the village on Toothless. But Stiock flew using his own methods.  
Astrid: "His butt is whistling."  
Tuff: "Horray for the collapse of civilization!"  
Ruff: "Down with Democracy!"  
Toothless: "What the hell is wrong with you two?"  
Ruffnut resembled Adolf Hitler and Tuffnut resembled Osama Bin-Ladin.  
Ruff: "QUIKA BACKD HGNBOF ERJG FKLWMD TERRORISM!"  
Tuff: "HFM FPWREOJF RNGF4OKG IONOIGN3 EOGVN!"  
The world suddenly turned white again. Hiccup, Astrid, and Toothless realized that they were in some kind of computer database.  
Above them was a sign.  
Hiccup: "Good. FanFiction's gone into Matinence Mode. We're safe for now."  
Ruff: "Your also...A REBEL!"  
The Pelvis Portal opened.  
Astrid: "NO! HE'LL COME BACK!"  
Stiock: "I'm a good ol-"  
Robert E. Lee: "REBEL, NOW THAT'S JUST WHO I AM!"  
Hiccup" NO!"  
Astrid: "NO!"  
Toothless: "NO!"  
Ruff: "Horray!"  
Tuff: "PORN!  
Stiock (resembling Fidel Castro): "UR3O RUGFHRUG JRBGUOIRBGRQ HEFG!" 


End file.
